Financial abuse in relationships: When money becomes a means of control 

In many relationships, one person takes the lead on managing the household finances. They may pay the bills, deal with the mortgage or keep a closer eye on the joint account. There is nothing inherently wrong with that. 

The difficulty comes when managing the money turns into controlling the other person through money. 

Perhaps you are expected to explain what you have spent and why. You have stopped using a joint account because every transaction leads to questions. Your partner knows exactly what you earn, but you know very little about the household finances. A return to work has somehow become impossible. Or you have signed a loan or credit agreement because saying no did not feel like a realistic option. 

Viewed individually, some of these things can be dismissed as disagreements about money. Seen together, they can reveal something much more serious, and it is often precisely because these changes happen gradually that financial abuse can be so difficult to recognise while you are living with it. 

What the law says about economic abuse 

“Financial abuse” is the phrase most people are familiar with, but the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 uses the broader term economic abuse. 

Under the Act, economic abuse is behaviour which has a substantial adverse effect on another person’s ability to acquire, use or maintain money or other property, or to obtain goods and services. It is expressly recognised as a form of domestic abuse. 

That distinction is important because economic abuse reaches far beyond somebody simply taking your money. It may involve interfering with your employment, preventing you from using a car, restricting access to household utilities, creating debts in your name, withholding money for essentials, controlling property, or stopping you from having the financial information you need to make decisions. 

The issue is not simply who holds the money. It is whether money and other economic resources are being used to restrict somebody’s choices and independence. 

When does managing the household finances become financial abuse? 

There is no single correct way for a couple to organise their finances. One person may earn most or all of the household income. One partner may take responsibility for bills because they are better organised. Couples may agree a budget, set spending limits, or decide together that one person will take time away from work to care for children. Those arrangements are not abusive simply because they are unequal. 

A useful question is whether both people still have choice, information and a voice in decisions about money. Can you see what is happening with the household finances, ask questions without fear of the response, and access enough money for your own needs? Can arrangements be discussed and changed, and can you make decisions about employment or spending without fear, punishment or intimidation? 

There is an important difference between a couple agreeing together that a household needs to spend less, and one person deciding what the other is allowed to spend. It is often that loss of choice which gives financial abuse its controlling character. 

What can financial abuse look like? 

Financial abuse does not look the same in every relationship. Some behaviour is obvious. Other forms of control are much harder to identify, particularly when they have developed over a number of years. 

Having to account for everything you spend 

Budgeting is part of ordinary family life. Being interrogated about every purchase is not. 

You may find yourself keeping receipts because you know you will be asked what you bought. You might feel anxious about buying lunch, clothes or something for the children because you anticipate an argument later. Perhaps purchases for your partner attract no scrutiny, while your own spending has to be justified. 

Eventually, people can start restricting themselves without being expressly told to do so, because the prospect of the reaction is enough. That is very different from two people making financial decisions together. 

Restricted access to money or information 

Sometimes the control is more direct. One person may have sole access to online banking, savings, investments or important financial documents. Passwords may be withheld. Statements may go to an email address the other person cannot access. Someone may receive a small amount of money for household expenditure while having little idea what their partner earns, owns or owes. 

This can create dependency even where, on paper, the household appears financially comfortable. A person experiencing economic abuse does not necessarily have no money at all. They may live in an outwardly comfortable household and still have very little real ability to access or control the resources around them. 

Preventing or undermining employment 

Work is about more than a salary. It can provide independence, pension provision, career progression, confidence and contact with people outside the home, which is why interfering with someone’s ability to work can be a powerful form of economic control. 

This might involve repeatedly discouraging someone from returning to work after having children, refusing to cooperate with childcare, taking away access to transport, creating conflict immediately before shifts or interviews, or putting pressure on someone to turn down promotion or reduce their hours. 

Any one decision may have an apparently plausible explanation. The concern lies in the pattern and its effect, as one partner becomes steadily less able to earn independently and increasingly reliant on the other. 

Creating or controlling debt 

Economic abuse can leave somebody with liabilities as well as deprive them of assets. A partner may pressure someone into taking out a loan, finance agreement or credit card. They may insist that borrowing is put into one person’s name despite both benefiting from it, or use another person’s accounts or credit without proper agreement. 

A particularly difficult feature of coerced debt is that the relationship can end while the liability remains. A person may leave an abusive relationship only to discover that their credit record, borrowing ability and monthly income remain affected for years afterwards, so the consequences of the abuse can significantly outlast the relationship itself. 

Withholding money or refusing to meet household costs 

Money can also be withheld selectively. Someone may refuse to provide sufficient money for food, clothes, fuel or children’s expenses despite having the means to do so. They may stop contributing towards the mortgage or bills as a punishment, or make access to household money conditional on the other person behaving in a particular way. 

Context still matters here. Couples can experience genuine financial hardship and disagree about what they can afford. Economic abuse is about the use of those finances as a means of restriction, exploitation or control. 

Why does financial abuse often become clearer when a relationship ends? 

For some people, separation is the first time they fully appreciate how financially dependent they have become. During the relationship, arrangements develop gradually. One person takes over the banking. Another gives up work. Accounts are consolidated. Financial paperwork disappears into a drawer or an online account that only one partner uses. 

It can be at the point somebody decides to leave that they suddenly need information they have never had. What is left on the mortgage? What savings are there? Whose name is the loan in? Where are the pension details? Can I afford somewhere to live? Trying to regain financial independence can also challenge the very control on which the abusive behaviour has relied, which means the abuse does not always stop simply because the relationship has ended. 

Government statutory guidance on controlling or coercive behaviour recognises this pattern, giving examples of post-separation economic abuse that include withholding financial information to prolong proceedings, stopping mortgage payments without reason, obstructing the implementation of arrangements for jointly owned property, misusing joint bank accounts, and withholding or manipulating child maintenance. Importantly, since 5^th April 2023, the criminal offence of controlling or coercive behaviour can also apply after separation where the legal requirements for that offence are met, and the law no longer requires former partners to be living together for this to fall within its scope. 

That does not mean every difficult financial dispute following separation amounts to abuse. Separating finances can be contentious and genuine disagreements occur. What matters is the wider pattern of behaviour, its purpose and its effect. 

The consequences are not always visible 

The impact of economic abuse can be far-reaching. Some people leave relationships with debts they did not create willingly. Others have little recent employment history, damaged credit, no independent savings, or no clear understanding of the assets and liabilities built up during the relationship. 

There can also be a significant loss of confidence. If you have spent years being told that you are irresponsible with money, that you do not understand finances, or that somebody else needs to make those decisions for you, suddenly having to deal with a bank, find accommodation and make major financial decisions alone can feel daunting. That loss of confidence can itself become another barrier to leaving. 

This is why financial abuse should not be treated as a lesser form of domestic abuse simply because there is no physical injury. Restricting somebody’s access to money, work, housing and financial information can profoundly limit their ability to make choices about their own life. 

What should you do if some of this feels familiar? 

You do not have to diagnose your own relationship before you are entitled to ask for advice. One of the most useful reasons to speak to a family lawyer can be because you are not sure whether what is happening is abusive. 

Seeking advice does not commit you to ending your relationship, contacting the police or beginning court proceedings. It can simply help you understand your legal and financial position. Depending on your circumstances, that discussion might include your rights in relation to the family home, what happens to finances if you separate, arrangements for children, financial disclosure, dealing with joint assets and liabilities, or whether protective measures such as a Non-Molestation Order or Occupation Order may be appropriate. 

There can also be practical financial steps worth exploring. If it is safe to do so, specialist organisations recommend speaking to your bank or building society about your circumstances and obtaining qualified debt advice where abuse has resulted in borrowing or liabilities. Think carefully about safety before changing passwords, accounts or joint financial arrangements, as doing so could alert an abusive partner or increase the risk to you. It is also sensible to obtain legal advice before making significant changes to jointly held money or property, since acting quickly does not have to mean acting without advice. 

Do not assume you have to wait for a crisis 

Perhaps the most important point is that you do not need to wait until the situation becomes unbearable. The earlier you understand your financial position, the more opportunity there may be to make informed decisions and consider what needs to happen next. 

That might mean taking legal advice and doing nothing immediately. It might mean understanding what information you need. It might mean speaking to a specialist domestic abuse service, a bank or a debt adviser. Or it might mean taking steps to protect yourself and your children. The right response will be different for every person, and what matters is recognising that controlling financial behaviour is not simply something you have to accept as part of a relationship. 

How Coodes can help 

Financial abuse can leave people unsure of both their legal rights and their practical options, and those two issues often become particularly closely connected when a relationship is ending. 

Our specialist Family Law team can listen to what has been happening, help you understand whether there are legal steps available to you, and advise on the wider issues that may need to be considered, including your home, children and finances. You do not need to arrive knowing exactly what you want to do. The first conversation can simply be about understanding where you stand. 

Coodes also holds a Family Law legal aid contract covering Cornwall and the Holsworthy area of North Devon, including advice in domestic abuse matters. Legal aid is subject to eligibility and other relevant criteria, and we can carry out a free assessment to establish whether you qualify. 

If you are concerned that money, work, debt or access to financial information is being used to control you within a relationship, contact Coodes Solicitors on 0800 328 3282 or make an online enquiry to speak confidentially with a member of our Family Law team. 

If you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999. Women experiencing domestic abuse can also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, free and in confidence 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247. Men experiencing domestic abuse can contact the Men’s Advice Line, run by Respect, on 0808 801 0327. 

About the Author: Bradley Kaine is a family law solicitor at Coodes Solicitors, advising on injunctions, children proceedings and care proceedings. He has a particular focus on matrimonial matters, including the resolution of financial issues on separation. 

Get in Touch: bradley.kaine@coodes.co.uk  01872 246229