What you should do if you are worried a friend might be experiencing domestic abuse 

Domestic abuse is not always easy to recognise from the outside. There may be no visible injuries, and the person experiencing it may never use the word abuse themselves, even to people who know them well.  

Often the challenge for those looking in, is that the reality of abuse can vary enormously. In some cases it’s physical. In others it takes the form of threats, control, or the slow erosion of someone’s confidence and independence through emotional pressure or financial restriction. It can happen within a marriage or a long relationship, but just as easily after a couple has separated, or between family members rather than partners. 

There may be subtle signals that abuse is occurring, however. You might notice that a friend has become increasingly anxious, isolated or unlike themselves. Perhaps somebody appears to control where they go, who they see, how they spend money. Sometimes it’s less specific than that, just a feeling that something isn’t right. You don’t need to be certain before checking in with someone you care about. It’s how you approach that conversation that really matters. 

Signs worth paying attention to 

No single sign necessarily means somebody is experiencing domestic abuse. It’s often a pattern, or a change over time, that causes concern. A friend in this situation may seem frightened of their partner or a family member, and keep changing their plans to avoid upsetting them. Friends, relatives, work and the activities they once enjoyed fall away as they become more isolated. Somebody else is monitoring their phone, messages, location, spending or movements, which is why the calls and messages arrive so frequently and why they seem anxious about replying immediately. Money, transport, identification and important documents are out of their reach, or nearly so. Injuries go unexplained, or the explanations leave you uneasy. 

Other behaviour is harder to spot from the outside. Life at home runs according to rules your friend is expected to follow, about what they wear, who they see or how money is spent, and breaking them brings punishment or the threat of it. Gaslighting is a familiar tactic, with the person causing harm repeatedly denying or rewriting events until your friend starts to doubt their own memory and judgement. Children are used as a means of control too, through threats to take them away or to turn them against your friend. Control doesn’t always end when the relationship does, and it often carries on after separation through contact, money, the children or the family home. A broader change in someone’s confidence, behaviour or wellbeing is a reason for concern in itself. 

Starting the conversation 

There’s no perfect way to raise the subject of abuse, and most people worry about getting it wrong or making things worse. What tends to help is finding a private, calm time when you’re confident the conversation won’t be overheard, and starting gently rather than with a direct question. “You haven’t seemed yourself recently and I wanted to check you’re okay” works. So does something more specific, like “I’ve noticed you seem worried when your partner calls, is everything alright?” 

Listen rather than question. Don’t challenge their account, and don’t ask why they’ve stayed, if they tell you something concerning. Tell them clearly that you believe them. Tell them they don’t deserve to be treated this way. They may not want to talk at all. They may insist everything is fine even if you remain worried. What matters most is making clear that you’re there when, and if, they’re ready. 

Avoiding added pressure 

Wanting to fix the situation is understandable, but taking control away from somebody who is already experiencing controlling behaviour tends to make things harder, not easier. Unless somebody is in immediate danger, don’t tell your friend they must leave, contact the police or take a particular course of action. Separation is often a period of increased risk in abusive relationships, which is exactly why the safety planning side is best left to specialists. 

You should avoid confronting the person you believe may be responsible too as this could put both you and your friend at greater risk. Take care with messages and calls as well. If your friend’s phone, email, social media or location may be monitored, an apparently supportive message could inadvertently place them in danger. 

Practical ways to help 

It’s tempting to want to try resolve things yourself, but the most useful support usually starts with a question rather than a plan. Ask your friend what would be useful rather than assuming. Sometimes that’s something straightforward, being available to listen, offering transport, letting them use a safer phone. If they want specialist help, sit with them while they make a call, or look into a support service together. Domestic abuse services can help someone think through their circumstances, assess risk and plan for safety, whether or not they’ve decided to leave or report what’s happened yet. Stay in contact regardless. If your friend remains in or returns to the relationship, don’t criticise that decision, but don’t withdraw your support either. The journey away from an abusive relationship is rarely straightforward, and can be long and extremely challenging. Your friend may need support over a long period of time. Continuing to be there for them, without judgement or pressure, can make an important difference. 

If someone is in immediate danger 

Call 999. Someone who needs urgent police help but can’t speak safely on a mobile telephone should listen to the operator and respond if they can, for example by coughing or tapping the handset, then press 55 when prompted to be transferred to the police. If you believe a child is in immediate danger, call 999 too. Concerns about a child’s safety or welfare can also be raised with the relevant local authority safeguarding team. 

Specialist support and legal advice 

The National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, offers free and confidential support 24 hours a day. The number is 0808 2000 247. The Men’s Advice Line supports male victims on 0808 801 0327. Galop’s National Helpline supports LGBT+ victims and survivors of abuse and violence on 0800 999 5428. Locally, in Cornwall and the Isles of Scilly, Safer Futures is led in partnership by Women’s Centre Cornwall and Barnardo’s, on 01208 229922. 

Alongside that support, a family solicitor can explain what legal protection would actually mean for somebody in this position. A non-molestation order is often the starting point, since it can prohibit an abusive partner from contacting, threatening or approaching somebody or their child, and breaching one is a criminal offence in its own right. Where the question is who has the right to remain in the family home, an occupation order addresses that directly, and can exclude an abusive partner from a property where necessary.  

Our Family Law team can talk through the legal protections available in cases involving domestic abuse, alongside related issues involving children, the family home and finances. Coodes also holds a Family Law legal aid contract covering Cornwall Devon, including domestic abuse matters. Legal aid is subject to eligibility and other relevant criteria. To speak to us in confidence, call 0800 328 3282 or make an online enquiry. 

We understand that supporting a friend through this can be difficult and, at times, isolating for you too. You don’t have to have all the answers, and you don’t have to do it alone. 

About the Author: Sarah Evans is Head of the Family Department at Coodes Solicitors. She advises clients on a wide range of family law matters, with particular expertise in children disputes, complex financial proceedings on divorce and domestic abuse cases. Sarah joined Coodes in 2008, qualified with the firm, and also sits as a Deputy District Judge. 

Get in Touch: sarah.evans@coodes.co.uk 01579 324 010